Death From Beyond

Well, I have to admit, one of the main requests I have of movies is that they show me something I’ve never seen before, and this film delivers on that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie in my entire life before now that was so low-budget that they had to place a blue tarp on the ground because they couldn’t afford to film at an actual river.

In the film’s defense, it at least lets you know right off the bat that it’s going to suck. It starts with a girl dressing up in some slutty faux-priestess costume and kinda hanging herself in her apartment a la the priest in City of the Living Dead, and then we get a credits sequence that is nothing more than amazing. It’s the regular opening credits to a film interposed in front of a maze screen saver that a person would have on their computer back in the early 90s. The special effects stay at that general level for the rest of the film, which is fortunately brief. The case claims the film is 57 minutes long, though it’s actually 37, a hit that I was quite willing to take here. The film jumps ahead three years after the credits, as we learn that the girl at the beginning was an archaeologist who disappeared, and now a group of filmmakers is using her still empty apartment to make a porn movie. Naturally, she is still haunting the place, now possessed by a vengeful Egyptian spirit, and begins killing each of them after they have sex to absorb their power. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I do not in any way require nudity to enjoy a movie. However, when you repeatedly state that the characters are all there specifically to make a porno film, and you have almost every character have sex at some point during the pleasingly brief run time, and you have the villain change outfits in the very first scene, and you have the really hot girl take a goddamn shower for no reason, and at no point in all of this do you have any nudity at all, then I find I have no choice but to protest most strongly. I shall not put up with all of this shameless trickery any more. I am drawing a line in the sand on this – who is with me?

By the way, if I mention that the film climaxes with the Survivor Girl and the villain being magically transported into a godly field where they have a swordfight for all of a minute and a half, don’t take that to mean that the movie is now somehow worth seeing.

Rating: ½ *