Halloween Spooktacular # 10: Wild Zero

If a study is ever done on what would make the perfect film, the title Wild Zero deserves to be brought up several times. I don’t think I’m overhyping this at all when I say that it is not only the greatest film that has ever been made before, but is the greatest thing in general that has ever, or will ever be created, be it by humans or anything else. Penicillin and the wheel ain’t got shit on this movie.

The film follows around Ace, a teenager who’s desperately trying to become cool, and who wants to find true love. His life changes when he meets his idol Guitar Wolf after a concert, and soon he’s falling in love with a girl that he then has to rescue from a zombie invasion brought about by aliens as the prelude to a possible invasion or something. Soon, the fate of the world rests in the hands of Ace, his new girlfriend Tobio, Guitar Wolf (and band mates Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf), and a few other scattered survivors.

Rock and rolllllllllll!

Let me explain to you just how badass this movie is. At the beginning, Guitar Wolf’s concert is so hardcore that the band members begin spontaneously generating electricity, because they rock so hard (later, at another concert, fire actually leaps out of Guitar Wolf’s microphone because he sings so powerfully). Despite this proof of the power of rock and roll, we get a treacherous villain in the form of the Captain, a promoter with a fondness for drugs, guns, and wearing really short shorts that show off his bulge, who wants to replace rock with sanitized pop bands, a crime so heinous that I think we can all agree that it has led directly to the Iraq war. Later, we are treated to such sights as Guitar Wolf taking down a wave of zombies with guitar picks fired out like shuriken, a Japanese guy with a huge afro that randomly whips out a pair of switchblades to try to rob a gas station, a woman who keeps a gun in her shower with her just in the event of a zombie attack, and Guitar Wolf leaping out of an exploding window and wailing out a power chord on his way to the ground. I won’t reveal what happens at the climax, but let us just say that it involves a super villain, a transforming guitar, and the alien mother ship, and it is so beyond awesome that it would make Steven Wright start talking like Harry Knowles.

Even with all the action going on, too, the film finds time to give us a handy moral message, as Guitar Wolf tells his rock and roll blood brother Ace that “Love has no borders, nationalities, or genders!” Indeed, this film shows that true love can survive anything, even being turned into a zombie. It is, if admittedly not quite actually the best film I’ve ever seen, then it is damn close to it. If you want to see just a completely incredible film that you’ll find up raving about to all your friends about for weeks afterward, this is the one.

Rating: ****