Bloody Birthday

I guess it’s a little refreshing to see a film that so unashamedly steals from its betters. This film has a soundtrack that’s almost directly taken out of the Friday the 13th movies, and just in case some found that too subtle, also throws in a scene where the two main girls talk to the one girl’s cop father that’s pretty much taken wholesale from Halloween.

The rest of the film isn’t all that much better. The plot is basically what you would expect if a hippie were to try to write a horror movie. One night, three children are born during the peak of a total eclipse of Saturn, the planet that controls our emotions, and so the children are all evil. Well, shit. If only our parents had managed to really bring about the Age of Aquarius back in the 60s, so many lives would have been spared here. As it is, the kids reach ten years of age, and then a switch seems to be flipped in their heads, as they go on a killing spree, murdering people with such abandon that you at first wonder how they think they can get away with it all, until you realize that all the adults in this filmic world are deeply retarded. Seriously, there’s a teacher who, after punishing one of the demon spawn, finds him in her home pointing a gun at her, and proceeds to make a sandwich for herself like nothing is at all the matter here. With adults like this, these monster kids are a serious risk of taking over the world.

The main problem with this film is one that’s actually quite common to these evil child movies, and that’s how poor the acting always is. Despite some notable exceptions (mainly by children who would never be caught dead in shitty movies like these), children are terrible actors, and basing a movie around them demands that you find ways around their nonsense. This does not quite manage that trick. As movies with evil children go, it’s a couple steps above, say, Beware: Children at Play, but very far below the level of The Omen. Even at the low price of $5.99, it’s for die hard horror fans only.

Extra: I’ve decided to do a little something extra for Halloween tomorrow, so you’re all going to be benefiting here. You know, unless you really hate my writing. No, instead of the two a day I’ve been doing all month, you’ll be gifted with a full blown ten reviews, as I run through a collection of horror movies in my collection that I had really enjoyed the first time I saw them, and then hadn’t gotten around to seeing again until now. Be sure to expect lots of *** ½ and **** reviews to follow.

Rating: *