Unearthed

What a piece of shit this movie is. I freely admitted yesterday to having stacked the deck with the new After Dark Horrorfest series by watching Lake Dead, generally viewed as the weakest in the set, first, with plans to watch Mulberry Street, generally considered the best, last. I’m now on my second movie in the set, and my plan has already unraveled before my eyes. I’m hoping that now, after this dreck, things will start to pick up and we’ll at least be able to work our way up to the mediocrity the first set was famous for.

The film is a pretty generic monster story set out in the West somewhere, as archaeological digging of old Indian lands unleashes a monster so damn close to the xenomorphs from the Alien series that I’m pretty sure Fox would have an easy time lobbing a lawsuit against the filmmakers. Not only does it look almost exactly like one, it’s also determined to come from outer space, and goes around with an oversized crab-spider thing that looks suspiciously like a face hugger that tries to jump on our heroine’s head and implant some nasty bug things inside of her. Not exactly the most original creation one could have for a movie.

The main characters are all pretty much stock characters, and none of them are at all fleshed out except for the lead, who’s a young alcoholic sheriff about to be voted out of office, and who has a dark past. There’s nothing about her that doesn’t scream “by the numbers”, and trying to create some kind of conflict about her by having other characters lamely argue her merits (“Hey, leave her alone, she’s good people”) or lack thereof does not in itself constitute drama.

So yeah, was not a fan of this movie on pretty much any level. About the only serious enjoyment I got out of this thing was watching the cast wander around a cave that turned out to be filled with uranium, and imagining them all losing their teeth, hair, and skin the next day, much like when Ben Affleck was dramatically talking on his cell phone amidst the fallout in the Sum of All Fears. It’s a minor bit of happiness, but it was my happiness and I’m keeping it. You’re going to have to find your own, should you decide to watch this.

Rating: ½ *