Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires

It’s amazing to me how a title with so much promise to it could be at the head of a film so terrible. Just looking at that title, one could feasibly assume that this would instantly have a step up from most of the films in the set, but no. Granted, this is roughly the fifteenth vampire film we’ve gotten so far, but nowhere in that title are they preparing you properly for a cinematic abortion like this, that has what amounts to a local late night horror host named Mr. Creepo introing the film and repeatedly popping up during it trying to call to the spirit of Ed Wood.

The lesbian sex scenes in this are so anti-erotic they make Tara Reid’s sex scene in Alone in the Dark seem hot by comparison. They’re clumsy, awkward, and dull, something that should never need to be said about something like this. I mean, this would be the paragraph where I normally go into my formulaic plot descriptions, but there really isn’t a plot to speak of here. I’ve got nothing to go with here but nitpicks. There’s quite a few truly awful moments in this film. I don’t mean awful in the “so bad it’s good” sense either. I mean it in the sense that whoever made this film needs to be forcibly restrained from making another, a claim that I do not make lightly, despite having said similar things about a few other movies in this collection.

I guess we may as well begin with the awful names that the characters in the film have. Even setting aside Mr. Creepo there’s names like Lilith, Carmilla, and Muffy the Vampire Slayer, for both vampires and human characters, leading us to the inevitable conclusion that the film takes place on some hellish parallel world where not only are there vampires, but also every single human is a goth eking out a tragic existence waiting for a vampire to come along and turn them. Given the names of the actors in the end credits, I think I can reasonably assume this would be because the film was actually made by a bunch of goths (Do they like to be called covens? They probably do, the creeps). There’s also a bit of a problem of people looking directly into the camera repeatedly during the film, sometimes specifically to deliver a poorly-written monologue to the camera, and sometimes just because the film was made by idiots. There’s quite a few truly groan-inducing jokes, such as one of the vampires suggesting to another that they should take a bloodbath together, which apparently means taking a shower together where the water supply has been replaced by actual blood. Leaving the logistics of just how many people would have been needed to supply that much blood, the scene goes on for about as long as an actual shower does, making this into just a maddening experience.

I’m sure the people involved are going to make another lame vampire movie, because frankly, if they’ve already scarred us with one why not go for two, so here’s a few suggestions to help make the film at least more technically competent. For one, as much as you may enjoy using red filters to show off how vampires enjoy blood, when you’re trying to show a vampire spreading blood all over the nude body of a human woman, all the red filters manage to do is make the blood invisible and the effort pointless. For another, if you can’t afford good CG effects it is perfectly okay not to have any at all. Movies were able to get by without them for quite a long time, we don’t need some awful cartoon fire suddenly obscuring most of the screen when a vampire dies. Finally, when you’re trying to dramatically show a person has disappeared by giving us the sound of a phone ringing with nobody answering, don’t show the phone off the hook while you’re still making the ringing sound. Phones don’t work that way.

Rating: ½ *