September Q & A: Godzilla, walrus, and grizzly

We go back to longer answers with Jasmine, who gives us a bit of a twofer: “Who would you like to take on in a fight a walrus, a grizzly, or Godzilla? If it was a tag team fight who would you pick as a partner to go vs. the other 2?”

Let it be known that I am not a particularly proud man. When push comes to shove, I will absolutely take the path least likely to get me killed, and when faced with a fight to the death against a walrus, a grizzly, or goddamn Godzilla (Gojira to my Asian homeys), the only one I could possibly hope to not be horribly killed against is the walrus. Walruses are pretty nasty, and I think they’re actually pretty fast given that they’re all tusks and blubber, but they’re also killable by a human being without access to high-tech weaponry. The grizzly bear is also killable by mere mortals, as the “classic” 1976 film Grizzly taught me, but you pretty much need a bazooka to accomplish this; hell, they can apparently just swat you out of the air when you’re flying over them in a helicopter (the movie may have been exaggerating somewhat on this point, but I choose to believe it was an actual documentary with some extremely brave and lucky cameramen).

Godzilla, on the other hand? I have never once seen him actually killed, despite spending dozens of movies fighting other monsters as big as or even bigger than him, all while cheerfully ignoring any and all pitiful human efforts to destroy him. Sure, the American Godzilla got killed back in 1998 (and again in Godzilla: Final Wars, where the Japanese Godzilla took him out in one hit like a champ), but it was some retarded cross between a T-Rex and that nasty squid thing from Deep Rising by the guy that did The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, so it doesn’t really count. Every time puny humans (or semi-puny aliens) have tried to stop him, their efforts have been met with dismal failure. While I could quite possibly manage to run away from him successfully if he came at me, it would only be because he decided to spend some time wiping out my whole town and the surrounding countryside, and probably all the rest of New Jersey in the process. As many of you know, that’s where pretty much all my stuff is, as well as most of my friends and family, and I cannot condone this.

By the same token, though, I would absolutely want Godzilla on my side (or better yet, in front of me) in my tag team match against the indigenous wildlife of Canada, preferably in a Canadian setting so that nobody I really care about would die. The grizzly/walrus tag team wouldn’t stand a chance against us, though I suspect I’d most likely be playing a bit of a Ricky Morton role, coming in and getting badly beaten until I could make the hot tag to my partner. I mean, it’s not like I get into fights very often (a whole one in my entire adult life, and that didn’t last very long), and I’ve seen Godzilla tag teaming quite a few times, my favorite being when he partnered up with King Seesar to take on the ultimate threat of Mechagodzilla in the classic film Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

Really, there’s only two situations in which I could see the Zach “The Savage” Savage/Godzilla tag team on our quest to the Tag Team titles. One would be if we went in unprepared against the Mega Powers, the classic late 80s pairing of Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man. Obviously I’d be pairing off with Randy, so all the fans could see which Savage was the superior one, and I’d leave Godzilla to do the real heavy lifting with Hogan. Now, I’m sure my boy ‘zilla would do some serious damage, but I just don’t know that even he would be able to withstand the devastating power of Hulkamania unleashed, particularly if their manager Miss Elizabeth decided to interfere with the match, a possibility that seems to be curiously high in the world of professional wrestling. The other danger would be if we somehow got roped into participating in a War Games scenario against the original (mid-80s) Four Horsemen lineup of Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Barry Windham, with manager James J. Dillon. Not only would it be a four on two fight in the confines of an oversized cage, but the Horsemen were all about cheating to win, going so far as to straight up break rival Dusty Rhodes’ hand and ankle as part of their treacherous ways. Now, while I personally have no real problem with sneaking in some blinding powder or a random foreign object in my trunks to give me an edge, my partner Godzilla always fights honorably, which could easily put him at a disadvantage in the proceedings. Of course, if we were to go into a War Games against the mid-90s lineup that I first saw of the Horsemen, that of Flair, Arn Anderson, Chris Benoit, and Steve “Weak Link” McMichael, we would easily run roughshod all over them, much as the nWo did for pretty much that entire incarnation. Even Walrus/Grizzly would destroy that team, and they wouldn‘t even need Fake Sting to do it.